The invisible grievers on Mother’s Day – men who wanted to be fathers
The typical focus of Mother’s Day is women and the joys of motherhood. But this year, I have been thinking about a mostly silent invisible demographic. The men who wanted to be fathers but aren’t.
While the main focus is on celebrating motherhood and in some compassionate circles, there may be some consideration given to loss mothers and infertility warriors, how often do we actually hear about the men with empty arms on Mother’s Day? The men who dreamt of a different type of Mother’s Day. Of making breakfast with their kids, of giving mom a break while they took the kids out, of shopping for just the perfect gift, or the men who thought about what grandparenthood would look like. Or the infertile man who blames himself for the empty arms on Mother’s day and is filled with guilt and anger but says nothing for fear of unpacking a suitcase of emotions he won’t know how to deal with.
Men grieve too
Yes, men grieve childlessness too. And this depth of unspoken feelings can ambush them on significant calendar dates just as it does women.
In the epilogue of his book How is a Man Supposed to be a Man?, Dr Robin Hadley, world leading researcher on male childlessness talks about the room he is sitting in. “If we had children this would have been a nursery at first”. Dr Hadley’s description of that room and the baby/child paraphernalia he once imagined, as well as how he thought the room would have changed according to the age and stage of the child inhabiting it is poignant in its evocative longing for a life that should have been different to what it is.
Dr Hadley’s research found that childless men were nearly as broody as childless women with the majority viewing parenthood as crucial to fulfilment and contentment.
However, there is a definite silence around the longing for fatherhood in the research and in social contexts. “The pronatalist view from many cultures that virility is proven by fertility, and a lack of social narrative around male childless grief tends to then result in many men being lost in loss”, said Dr Hadley.
This led me to wonder how many men lost in longing and loss are grieving in silence because not only is there no acceptable social narrative for men to voice their grief or broodiness, perhaps they do not give themselves permission to grieve. And so, the grief of childlessness becomes the elephant in the suitcase. Not just the elephant in the room, but packed away in a suitcase, never to be mentioned.
In conversation with Dr Hadley, we also hypothesised that there may be many elephants in the suitcase, sometimes scattered sometimes neatly tucked into one another much like the Russian dolls. All impacting self-view, identity, and relationships as well as mental health and behaviour.
And so, the cycle perpetuates silently with no end in sight as the life discourse of others keeps moving forward celebrating milestones and markers of family life. While childless men carry the weight of loss and longing quietly, privately, without language, without rituals, without recognition, and most often without giving themselves permission to feel, think or express these thoughts.
But perhaps it doesn’t have to stay this way. Perhaps this Mother’s Day, alongside the visible grief, we make space for the invisible too.
If you recognise this in yourself, or in someone you love, it might be time to gently open a conversation that’s been waiting for permission. Perhaps part of changing the narrative of being lost in loss begins with quiet acknowledgement of what has been packed away. With recognising that grief exists and deserves to be witnessed.
Because the suitcase was never meant to hold all of this for so long.
And while it may feel easier to keep it closed, over time the weight of carrying it alone can become its own burden. One that shows up in ways that are hard to name, hard to explain, and even harder to share.
What might it be like to loosen the latch, even just slightly? To take out one piece, and have it met with understanding. If this is something you, or someone you love, are carrying, you don’t have to navigate it in silence.
Life After IVF offers counselling support for individuals and couples living with infertility, loss, and childlessness. A space where the unspoken can be spoken and is given room to exist without judgement.
If you’re ready to begin unpacking even one corner of that suitcase, I offer a space held with understanding drawn from lived experience and evidence based training. You don’t have to do this alone.
References:
Robin Hadley – Investigating the complexities of male childlessness - https://www.robinhadley.co.uk
HOW IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN? Male Childlessness – a Life Course Disrupted
Male Childlessness: unpacking the elephant in the suitcase - https://youtu.be/dL4kZINulj4?si=AnzuSNuGI8WimsBo
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